[001: video]

[inhistorybooks]

I’ve seen a lotta weird stuff in my time on Enterprise, but the Barge might just take the cake. This isn’t really anything like I’d expected it to be. Of course, I’m not really sure what I did expect it to be, but this sure isn’t it. It’s definitely gonna take some gettin’ used to, but I guess I don’t have a lotta choice or anything. I’m not sure the Admiral’d appreciate me chickening out only a coupla days in, and I’m definitely not plannin’ on throwin’ in the towel anyways. I’ve got a deal ta follow through on.

[...]

Funny thing is, now that I think about it, I don’t really remember actually makin’ the deal. Or more like, I don’t remember meetin’ the Admiral. I know why I’m here, I’m just not quite sure how it happened. Is that normal?

Anyways. I'm Commander Charles Tucker, former Chief Engineer on board the starship Enterprise. Everyone calls me Trip.

... I don't suppose there's any chance of getting to check out the engines on this thing?

Comments

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

You're an unfortunate waste?

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

{Suffering sigh.}

Pray tell, where did you learn such terrible manners?

{And you sound like Father.}

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

You tell me. You're Sherlock Holmes.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

My observations and deduction methods are not parlour tricks to be called upon for amusement.

{Indignant huff.}

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

That's the same line that psychic hotline keeps giving me.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

I haven't the faintest notion what you are blathering about.

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

You are the worst Sherlock Holmes - if that is your real name.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

Unless there is another with my name I fear you will also find me the best Sherlock Holmes, as well as any other extreme you wish to put to me.

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

Are you propositioning me?

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

{Most appalled face ever.}

Most certainly not!

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

You're so repressed.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

{WE HAVE A WINNER!!!! Whadda we got for him, Johnny?}

Do you value impertinence?

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

Not really, but money can't buy me love.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

How would one even suppose that it could? What a ridiculous statement.

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

I guess it's a natural conclusion that, since money buys sex, money can also buy love.

But prostitutes don't love you. I'm pretty sure they love money; have you seen the kinds of men that have to pay for sex? You've really gotta love money to do the down and dirty with someone that looks like Randy Quaid.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

Anyone who would equate love and carnal knowledge is an unfortunate soul indeed. As for those who exchange tender for such goods, it has been my experience that desperation, rather than capitalism, was the prevailing motivation.

{Though he's distinctly uncomfortable as he says all of this.}

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

You've never been to Pahrump.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

Indeed, I have not.

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

They'll do anything in Pahrump. I've got a menu around here, somewhere.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

A...menu?

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

Yeah, hold on.

[Pause while he goes to find it, then have the menu, Holmes, on camera, with all the trimmings.]

I particularly like the Dutch Rudder with Foam.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

{He glances at few before dramatically turning away.}

Who would compile such a list?

[Video]

[bunchasavages.livejournal.com]

[Randal looks at the menu, then tosses it to the left.]

Someone wanting to sell breast massages, reverse half and half, and a two-girl show, I guess. How else are you gonna know what's in your price range?

[Video]

[yeehawkiller.livejournal.com]

Hey! Is that room service or somethin'? I didn't get one in my room.

[Video]

[so-meretricious.livejournal.com]

{Holmes takes a few moments to process all of that.}

Is this flagrancy...typical of your period?