inhistorybooks | [001: video]

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[001: video]

I’ve seen a lotta weird stuff in my time on Enterprise, but the Barge might just take the cake. This isn’t really anything like I’d expected it to be. Of course, I’m not really sure what I did expect it to be, but this sure isn’t it. It’s definitely gonna take some gettin’ used to, but I guess I don’t have a lotta choice or anything. I’m not sure the Admiral’d appreciate me chickening out only a coupla days in, and I’m definitely not plannin’ on throwin’ in the towel anyways. I’ve got a deal ta follow through on.

[...]

Funny thing is, now that I think about it, I don’t really remember actually makin’ the deal. Or more like, I don’t remember meetin’ the Admiral. I know why I’m here, I’m just not quite sure how it happened. Is that normal?

Anyways. I'm Commander Charles Tucker, former Chief Engineer on board the starship Enterprise. Everyone calls me Trip.

... I don't suppose there's any chance of getting to check out the engines on this thing?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Then what's the problem? At least the menu has set prices. Randy Quaid pays the same price for a breast massage as Harrison Ford.

{How is this not obvious?}

One does not speak of such things.

What, like it's some kind of secret?

It needs not be spoken of.

Sure it does. How else are you gonna know if you're a shitty lay?

{Pause.}

Why would one wish to know that?

Self-improvement?

{A very long pause. A very, very long pause.}

Highly peculiar.

I hate to break it to you, pal, but most women living in the modern age of innovation and personal vibrators won't screw you if you can't give them an orgasm.

There's a lot of dinner, movies, gifts, and begging involved, too, but I'd say the ability to bring your partner to a climax is pretty important.

I have seen the state of the modern woman and I carry even less regard for them than I did for those of my era.

Why? Are you divorced or something?

I have never married.

Why the bitterness toward an entire gender? Most of them are pretty awesome. Look at Leia and Uhura and those chicks in the infirmary.

How can you not like women?

{...Do you want the long answer or the short one?}

I have no fondness for their pettiness or displays of the softer passions.

Yeah, you'd never catch a dude being petty.

Seriously. You don't like women?

{And here is where the virtues of not speaking of things has already vanished. He used to never speak of his abhorrence toward women, but since Watson seemed very insistent upon reminding readers every other page about this fact he has very little reason to not speak of it any more. A shame.}

I do not.

What, are you gay or something?

{HISTORICAL FOOTNOTE™: This is a very confusing question, you see, because in Holmes' time 'gay', in this context, meant "womaniser".}

I have already stated categorically that I am not.

You did?

I have made my regard toward women very clear.

Yeah. That's why I'm asking if you're gay.

Has your time eschewed logic as well as manners?

Wait, wait. What do you think I'm talking about, here?

{Huff. A very theatrical huff.}

You rather incongruously asked if I habitually pursued women for lewd pleasure.

No, I didn't.

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